Welcome, horned guests!
The title of this post is from a really memorable blooper I made yesterday while CARTing a Toastmasters meeting. Of course, it’s really, “Welcome, honored guests.” I can fix that dictionary entry so that one doesn’t happen again. But maybe I want to keep some way to write “horned” in case I ever CART at a Pagan convention; there usually is someone in costume with antlers somewhere in the crowd.
So I’m regrouping, the motivation being that I got really tired of myself. I kind of imploded with some physical symptoms that felt like mild flu after writing that last post. A lot of sleep over the next 24 hours cured it. Then I was able to think a lot more clearly. Never underestimate the inevitability of mind/body synergy and process, awkward as it can be at times (sigh).
A lot of the problem is that I feel like I’m lousy at CART. My clients evidently don’t. They ask to have me back, and I am getting cool jobs. But I don’t like my writing. For the last 3.5 years before we moved here, most of my work was in the courtroom, and my dictionary reflects that. I have all kinds of briefs pertaining to California law and catchphrases of particular courtrooms where I spent a lot of time that are showing up on my screen when they shouldn’t. So some serious work on my dictionary is a part of nearly every day now. I need to prune and prune some more. And too many of my briefs are too similar to each other. Those are two things you don’t fix in a day, but you need to be attentive to them on a daily basis if you want them ever to be fixed. And I’m regrouping and restarting with the speedbuilding, too, after a hiatus during the last, awful work week. And finally, I do need to accept that misstrokes are inevitable. Most of the time, I’m sitting down and writing with minimal if any chance to prep. And no less than Kathy Robson, always a role model for me, once said at a convention, “You WILL make mistakes, and some of them are going to be sexual.” Sigh.
There are a host of small things I am resolutely moving forward and taking care of. I made the serious mistake of not pushing on an issue involving having health insurance this month during Awful Week. It’s fixed, but I just need to stop doing stuff like that. I got an eye exam, and I’ll be picking up my glasses today. I need to see a dentist, get my teeth cleaned and get myself a night guard because I am killing my crowns with bruxism. I got several of Dr. Dean Ornish’s books. I don’t think I am going to go for what he says hook, line, and sinker (I will NOT give up caffeine!), but most of it makes sense. I resolved to take cooking a lot more seriously. That’s where I’m starting. Tried a bean and cabbage soup. It was too spicy for us, but basically good, definitely worth a repeat and some tinkering.
And there is the isolation. But I can be friendlier to my very nice neighbor, and I can do what I often think that other lonely people should do: focus on myself and my own development and well-being first, then let the relationships happen as they happen. I am probably going to join the OBOD course, something I meant to do when life settled down, sooner rather than later. I have followed Daimh the Bard’s podcast for several years now. That has given me an idea of what OBOD’s all about, and they are also very generous with the info they give out about it in the public pages. I have always been drawn to the Druid connection with nature, even years before it ever occurred to me that I would turn out Pagan! I think that the emphasis on meditation and on creative practice and beauty-seeking as part of the spiritual path would be helpful for me right now. There is even some community locally of those who are involved in the course.
I have been following the Pantheacon controversy, and pretty much everyone else who does so knows where I stand on the salient issue. Last year’s debacle was understandable; this year’s was inexcusable. I do not believe that transgender women should be excluded from women’s rituals. If you must do that, you have the right to do it in your own private, unannounced rituals; I have the right to boycott your group and will do so. And have done so. But this hatefulness has no place at a large, public gathering such as Pcon. So many of us Pagans have had to keep what we know, especially about ourselves, strictly to ourselves for long periods of time for fear of persecution or denial; it is really unbelievable to me that an elder of Neopaganism can have so little empathy for those who just know deep inside that they were born in the wrong body and have had to live with that. I think transgender people are incredibly brave and deserve at least compassion and ideally, honor. I can only think that even admitting your situation openly to yourself is an act of great courage. Z Budapest, you are not my elder. You talk like this, you have nothing to say to me.
Onward, ever onward.