Fast Away the Old Year Passes

by cathrynbauer

Solange pressing the towels. 

Looks as if we are going to have our Maryland dream house that will support the life we want.  It’s contingent upon our selling our current home.  We won’t be moving forward until that’s done.  But we have a great realtor; we’re preparing it for sale; the location is highly desirable.

I won’t miss 2011.  It has been a year of great uncertainty, overwork, but things have turned out okay, if dramatically.  Had a busy day yesterday, but it was capped by my final visit to my favorite spa, just the best thing I could have done for myself.  I have been feeling glum about the enormity of it all, packing just everything up in a house where we thought we would be for the rest of our lives, starting completely on our own in the unfamiliar.   I was getting out of the sauna when the thought occurred to me:  “You aren’t actually going to Hell, you know.”   And in perspective, this year probably wasn’t really hell, either.  Amazing that Ted’s job started just as my much-disliked stint in the county courts was winding down due to budget cuts.  It may not have felt like it, but we were held in the Goddess’ care throughout.   No medical emergencies (one scare, but he was okay).  It just seems that we both walked on a knife-edge of tension this year.  There was very little fun and inspiration.   It reminded me a lot of my elementary school days, the constant fear of a principal whom I now understand to be a despicable bully, and also of the years I tried to be Christian, that constant fear of making the wrong choice and losing my soul.  Well, my soul was thoroughly lost, and very happily so!  In the losing came the finding, and in a big way; the Earth is now my church, just as it was meant to be.

I remember the day that I turned to Paganism.  I had gone to a retreat center to see if there was anything that could be recovered of my Christian faith.  I woke up in my narrow cell and realized that I was only about four miles away from the ocean.  It suddenly seemed like the perfect metaphor: I had encased myself in this tight little box when there was a vastness of ocean, air, light right outside.  I was out of there within the hour, heading for the beach.  I sat on the sand near the cliffs and thought that my faith was gone.  Then I looked at the cliffs that seemed to be eroding.  This part of the landscape wasn’t eroding; it was changing form.  And so it was with my faith.  I opened my hands and let the years of striving blow away with the sea-winds.  The power that made and moved the waves, I realized then, was the only power that I needed, wanted, or was inspired to worship.  And so it has been.

Last year was not so much about growth in the ways that I wanted, but doing my best to rise to challenges.  This has left me feeling dissatisfied even as I am mostly satisfied with how I met what came to us.  I guess that isn’t so bad.  I rolled with it and did the best I could.  And I have a better picture of where I’d really like to be than before; I just have to go there in a different setting than planning.  I feel like I’m being carried by a huge wave.  It’s mostly great, but there’s a element of fear, too.  Onward, ever onward.