Well, haven’t eviscerated this blog just yet. I got into reading some other Pagan blogs and was inspired. I am still working on one last, long, and lucrative arbitration transcript, but I have high hopes that will be finished up today. Although it looks rather like chaos in these parts, it’s a fact that the whole moving operation is moving along with peristaltic persistence. I attribute this to my habit of doing at least one thing nearly every day to make it happen ever since it became clear that resistance to the move was really futile. One of the wisest pieces of advice I have ever heard was, “Do something every day toward your goal.” I did that here.
And it is discontenting and disorienting. I wish I’d taken my friend Brian’s advice to quit taking on new jobs earlier than I did. I have the feeling of being very static, not really moving forward because of the all-important nature of two separate things: this monster transcript and the importance of getting it all right, making sure I’ve covered every piece of the move. I have lots of deep thoughts, so to speak, but half-baked ones that I haven’t had time to fully explore. Without consciously deciding, I’m not exercising, nor am I eating particularly well. I am not practicing steno for about the last five days (I want my next level of certification so badly that I — well, it’s really unattractive). I am just pushing through one step at a time, getting it all taken care of. It is not fun. Not getting the myriad of connections and services and arrangements right will mean even less fun, and that’s putting it optimistically. There must be some concise word from the great philosophers that sums up this state, but I don’t know what it is.
So we’re moving to a townhouse Ted found for us that has a six-month lease and takes cats. In all likelihood, we will wind up having a home built for us in the College Station development in Prince Frederick. He is more attached to a new, larger house than I am; I just absolutely insist on a garden. If this goes through, I will have a much bigger one. We do want guest space, though I could do without this if I had gardening room. As far as I’m concerned, we’re getting a house to go along with the garden.
So back to the deep thoughts. Moving and getting rid of stuff, well, interesting. I have decided to narrow down my focus and not go in all these different directions, but to pursue the most important interests more deeply. I am giving away my candlemaking stuff on Freecycle (love that Yahoo group!) and narrowing my recreational/creative focus to my true loves, fiddle and gardening. I just can’t do all the stuff I really want to. I love to do crafts, but I do them badly. Just don’t have the feel. If I really need to make something, I should focus on cooking civilized meals, a rarity in these parts.
And here goes the real deep thought. I want 2012 to be the year that I really deal with my anxiety issues, one way or another. It affects everything. I am not the court reporter I want to be because of it, I eat too much because of it, I and by inevitable extension others suffer too much because of it. I don’t know what I’m going to do yet. I really don’t want to take drugs. Being the child of two alcoholics, I have most likely inherited some off-kilter wiring that gives me an over-the-top reaction to any kind of sedative or psychotropic meds. I realize dosage can be adjusted, but I don’t want to go through the experimentation phase. I am seriously considering setting aside my journal addiction with this move and focusing instead on getting more exercise as Step One of this. In the last 18 months, I have really gotten into Conscious Dance in its various forms. It is such a healing practice for me. So my ideas for dealing have to do with enjoyable exercise and also looking into learning something about cognitive therapy. Just now, I observed something that made me uneasy, and my knee-jerk response was to eat something. We have had construction workers touching up the outside of the house since early this a.m. This is great — the sooner the house is tidied up, the sooner it will be sold — but is really getting to be grating. As the great Krishnamurti once said, awareness is the first step to change. Noticing what stimulates anxiety is a great start. Now, to learn how to deal…
Onward, ever onward.